When I Am Queen

When I am queen, I shall outlaw the use of "no problem" as a response to "thank you." Likewise "no worries" or anything other than "you're welcome" or "my pleasure." Violators will experience how a problem actually feels.

Service providers who address any group that includes a female as "you guys" shall be drawn and quartered.

People who wear hats indoors and/or sit sideways in a restaurant booth and people who fondle their electronic devices while dining or otherwise engaging in any encounter with humans will have their hat/legs/devices removed with a swift round-kick.

Anyone caught expectorating in public will get the hose.

Social etiquette will be a required course throughout a child's 12-year school career. Refresher courses required annually for adults.

Parents who speak rudely to their children and those who walk ahead of their child appearing to not give a rat's ass whether the child is still there, somewhere, behind them, will find the child gone. Gone. To Narnia.

People will be encouraged, not scolded, for addressing a woman as "ma'am." This is NOT an insulting term used to point out advanced age but rather a sign of respect, just as men may be addressed as "sir." Whoever decided otherwise is a buffoon.

Clothing companies will be required to adhere to strict sizing specifications for both men and women. No ambiguous "small-medium-large" sizing, and no vanity sizing. Simply state the length, width, and girth at the important points on a garment and let us not have to spend hours in a fitting room trying on more guilt and shame.

Got any peeves you'd like me to consider once I'm queen? Feel free to leave them in the comments and I will take them under consideration.

Now off with you.


Steve said...

Got the message, no worries, hon. About the spitting in public? Sorry, will get on that, no problem. Gotta go, I'm sitting in a restaurant in the middle of lunch with co-workers, browsing and texting. I wonder what they're talking about? These phones are addicting...

mossum said...


april said...

wow. chemo made u crotchety.

Anonymous said...

Maria said...Can we add:

Darting behind cars that already started to pull out of parking spaces, means you are now legally target practice and must fall down before you startle the driver out of the corner of their eye.

Picking fruit out of your neighbor's yard without asking means your car will start making that expensive knocking sound again.

And if you don't get off my lawn nobody will talk to you at parties.

Huh? Oh... no worries.